It’s 04:30, and I can’t sleep anymore. I’ve been lying awake for an hour, listening to the wind outside the van and to the whirlwind of thoughts inside my head.
I am back in Germany for less than 24 hours, and my brain is completely overstimulated.
The intensity of conversations, the people, the city, its traffic, and the flows of busy-ness. News feeds all around on repeat. Everything I’m not used to anymore after the last 2 months in the north. And I’m not even in Berlin yet.
“You will get used to it again.”
Suddenly, I feel as if anything I do doesn’t matter. I’m too small. The complex problems too big. I’m not good enough. What’s the point in trying. A wave is crushing over me.
“You will get used to it again.”
I know I haven’t felt or thought like this lately when I was up north. Or when I’m traveling on the ground, talking with people, giving workshops, and building relationships.
That always left me feeling like we can do anything.
But now that I’m back in the big city, it’s so freaking loud.
I sit on the train, noise-cancelling headphones on, a guided meditation on.
“You will get used to it again.”
Probably. But do I want to? Is it a good thing to get used to this intensity? What else do you need to turn down in your sensory system to be ok with it? What gets lost through this turning down?
What if you can’t turn it down anymore?
I’m not surprised that everyone around me is struggling to make it work, especially the kids and young people.
I love working with them.
I’m listening to an album of @eastforest. It’s calming and brings you back to your center. Makes you feel connected. At least for me, it does, without any substances.
I let the city pass by the windows. I take in the smells. The familiar beeping of doors closing.
I do look forward to the people. The work to be done while here. And, overall, I will be fine, I guess.
Yet, the north and its wildness are whispering inside. Want to teach me more. Want me to learn and to share onwards.
